How to adult / last year of school
** Despite the fact that I'm posting this in October, these two entries are from the end of summer & continue to be relevant. **
I’ve put this immense pressure on myself to be a fully functioning, self-sustaining adult at the age of 21. I am ashamed at the fact that I’ve eaten Lean Cuisines for the past two nights and that I still haven’t thrown out my leftovers from last week. Not to mention that there’s a vase of dead flowers on my table that have been sitting there since June (it’s August).
Now, I admit that these aren’t ideal conditions and yes, I know I need to throw those flowers out. However, the overwhelming sense of guilt I feel every time I notice that I’m not living a textbook successful adult life makes me discouraged and unworthy of enjoying other things in my life.
Even though I'm surrounded by great friends and participate in so many things I’m passionate about, the fact that I don’t make myself dinner every night, let alone WANT to make myself dinner every night, makes me feel like a fraud.
I’ve written about doing things “right” before, and man does that come back around in all stages of my life. My ever-present fear of letting people down continues to pop up in my day-to-day life. Actions that might only affect me seem to signal my brain that they have the ability to affect everyone I’ve ever come into contact with (this is a slight exaggeration).
I honestly don’t know why I seem to think I'm only one who feels like they are failing at being an adult, because most of millennial humor on the Internet is based on the fact that NO ONE has a grasp on it.
I get so down on myself for not excelling in all aspects of my life but I forget that I’m literally only 21 and I have a LOT to learn and so much room to grow. I don’t think I’m going to hit my peak self-awareness point while I’m finishing my senior year of college.
Sure, I can constantly work to improve things in my life that might not be the healthiest, but I can’t continue to beat myself up over the fact that these moments exist. I’m all for encouraging yourself to be the best possible version of yourself that you can be, but I don’t think we should let thoughts hang over us like a threat when something doesn’t go the way we had hoped, planned, or expected.
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I’ve finished my 2nd week of my last year of school. It seems surreal because school is all I’ve known my whole life. It’s one of the only things that’s been a constant, unchanging aspect of my life that I know how to do and how to do well. I think the idea of leaving school terrifies me because it means I have to jump into a new period of my life where almost everything is unknown.
It’s terrifying because it almost feels like my entire life so far has led up to this moment. THIS is what I went to elementary school, middle school, and high school for. I know that isn’t necessarily true, but that expected path has been engrained in my mind as the necessary and “correct” way to do things. Therefore, the end of this path is monumental and means I’ve completed what I’ve worked my entire childhood for.
The biggest weight on my shoulders right now is the fact that I don’t know what my next step/path looks like.
I was supposed to know at the end of all of this right? That’s the reason I did this right?
I could go on and on about how the education system is messed up in terms of pressuring students to regurgitate information in order to pass qualifications and get a “good job,” but also…I need to get a good job???
I’ve absolutely adored my classes and have had some of the most amazing educational experiences where I’ve been able to critically analyze so many ways our world works and how/why people interact the way they do. I’m so thankful for my major, minors, professors, and the incredible conversations I’ve had. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
However, now it’s time for me to figure out how to thrive in society without going to school. In some ways, I feel like I’ve failed everyone by not having a clue what I want to do after graduation. I was worrying about that 4 years ago and here I am, still worrying about it. Did I do something wrong?
I wish I could prolong this feeling – I never thought I would say that. I wish I could just stay like this and take cool classes forever and walk around a beautiful campus and see people that I love and meet new people and have interesting conversations and stay like this forever - minus the stress & grading. :)
All seasons of life come with change and the unknown, so I'm trying to sit with the discomfort and not agonize over what I don't know. Taking in every moment of my last year of undergrad & appreciating the road that got me here.