Goodbye 2017

This year reminded me of my strength.

I’ve been fortunate enough to go on some pretty cool adventures and have some amazing opportunities during these past two semesters. These instances of joy make my heart happy when I reflect on photos throughout the year, but they also remind me of the times that weren’t captured that proved to be some of my worst moments yet.

This summer was admittedly the hardest summer of my life. My first summer living out in California was supposed to be a grand adventure and necessary step forward in my college career. However, my anxiety from the pervious semester was continuing to hang over my head and create a constant fear that I would never feel like my normal self again. Why didn’t I feel inspired and excited by the fact that I was living in a great apartment in southern California with my dream internship and a good job? I felt trapped by these negative feelings in my chest and in my mind, and I felt unable to leave my bed because I wouldn’t know where to go next. I was consumed by the thought that I had felt that way for weeks and I haven’t resolved it. This feeling had been consuming me like a bad dream. I used to dance in the kitchen and sing songs and get excited by literally everything.

I couldn’t remember the last time I felt genuinely excited like that.

That feeling hung over my head for most of the summer despite some lovely outings with friends that helped pull me back into the sunshine every so often. I went to therapy throughout the summer and took a much-needed break to visit home. In my mind, going home that summer would be a sign of weakness, but I was in desperate need for something to ground me and get me on my feet again.

The following semester started in a new apartment with new hopes for a better few months. Stepping into the semester as an Orientation Leader allowed me to make new friendships and create lasting memories as part of a community I desperately needed at that time. As the semester went on, I allowed myself to say no to things and control my tendency to over-commit. Admittedly, I spent many nights at home on our reclining leather seats watching TV instead of spontaneous outings with friends. Even though this might have led me to feel more disconnected and frankly, boring; I was creating the necessary recovery time my body and mind needed from months of anxiety.

While every semester proves to have its challenges, I am thankful to have taken this one slow as I started to piece myself back together again. Now I’m able to remember times where I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, soaking in the sun on my face, and dancing. Dancing in the kitchen by myself, dancing in Las Vegas with some of my best friends, dancing in the parking lot, dancing in Forever 21, and dancing around the apartment with my roommates. This year has pushed me down pretty hard, but I am so thankful for where I am now.

In 20 days I leave for Italy to start my next adventure that will certainly cause me to learn and grow in indescribable ways. I am nervous, excited, and ready for the change that will come with a semester abroad. I couldn’t think of a better time in my life for a chance to rediscover myself in a new environment. Here’s hoping that 2018 will bring more self-discovery and feelings of inner

peace!

**I also want to give a shoutout to Laura Claypool for pushing me to keep writing and reflecting. Thanks for being one of my biggest fans and making me feel like I can acheive things.**