roller coasters

I sit here looking at my desk, my wall covered in little notes, posters, and cards that I’ve gathered over the school year, and I realize how I feel comfort sitting at this wooden desk. It took months and months, but my idea of comfort, belonging, and home has expanded to include room 201 in Orange, California.

I sit here so thankful for all the things I’ve experienced in the past year and for all the people I’ve met here on the other side of the country. A year ago I would have NEVER imagined myself being in this position, mostly because I just had no idea what to expect.

I hate not knowing what to expect. I struggle with it constantly, whether it’s an ambiguous teacher who doesn’t provide an overview of the test material, or whether it’s a roller coaster I’ve never (and would never) go on.

Last week my wonderful friend Megan wanted to go on California Screamin’ while we strolled through the magical place known as Disneyland. This entire year I’ve avoided this large roller coaster out of fear, but that day I decided it was a good time to go ahead and plop myself on that ride.

I didn’t know what to expect, I didn’t know how I was going to react or how I was going to feel, but Megan reassured me that afterwards I could decide to never go on it again. With that thought in mind, I got on the ride shaking my head and saying, “nope, nope, nope,” and was launched into the air. Even though it didn’t turn out to be the most enjoyable time of my life, I tried it, and surprisingly, I survived.

The day my parents dropped me off for college, we sat eating lunch in the local pizza chain restaurant down the street. My face still semi-swollen from surgery, I slowly cut my pizza into bite-sized pieces as tears started to roll down my face. The idea of living in a space without anything comfortable to me was the scariest thought. I shook my head, “nope, nope, nope,” but here I am, eight months later, and surprisingly, I survived.

Everyone’s journey is different, and I’m surely still struggling through different obstacles as they rise and fall like waves, but I’m so proud of myself for keeping on going. I’m proud of where I am and how much I have strengthened myself throughout these past few months. I have learned how to trust myself, listen to myself, but also stretch myself and know that I CAN survive any roller coaster life throws at me. I don’t have to enjoy every second, but at least I’m able to trust that I will survive.